oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
