This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Randomize
