I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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