they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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