My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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