If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Randomize
