Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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