I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
he just fucked me for my cheese.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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