I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
