farters have to be the big spoon...
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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