Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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