The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
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