I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
