I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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