so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
