Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
