i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
