shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
