one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
