You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
