no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
