I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
