We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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