I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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