Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
i wish my penis had a tongue
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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