Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
