Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
