watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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