Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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