I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
