I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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