Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
we're so committed to being not committed
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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