o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Sober January is a disaster.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
