Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
