So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
