I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Randomize
