Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
