I think I died a long time ago.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
