I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
