I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
