Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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