Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
