Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
The power of my boobs compel you
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
