you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize