I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
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