The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
