why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Randomize
