We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize