is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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