i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
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