Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
