I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
