you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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